


I need you more than I might've known

by Sunnycat_666



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Family Angst, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sister-Sister Relationship, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27223501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunnycat_666/pseuds/Sunnycat_666
Summary: Lilith confesses to her sister that planned to take her life and she wants Eda to talk her out of it
Relationships: Eda Clawthorne & Lilith Clawthorne
Comments: 19
Kudos: 111





	I need you more than I might've known

**Author's Note:**

> THIS FIC CONTAINS ELEMENTS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE, DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THAT!!!
> 
> So story time: this is actually a fic I made as a vent, and stopped working on about a quarter through because I was tired and wanted to sleep, but then I woke up the next morning feeling a lot better, looked at the fic and was like "hey this is actually pretty good" so I finished it and this is the result, hope you enjoy
> 
> ANOTHER THING:  
> one: this takes place at least a month after the events of YBOS  
> Two: If you combine the whole formally being an antagonist thing with implications of having shitty parents and even heavier implications that she was also abused by Belos, I imagine Lilith's arc would be a tragic emotional rollercoaster with a lot of pain and angst, just saying
> 
> And yes, the title is just lyrics from Mercy Mirror by Within Temptation because I've had a Within Temptation brainrot lately, leave me alone

_Edalyn,_

_I know that this may be hard for you to read or know, so I just want to start out with telling you that my decision is not your fault in any way. But this is something you need to understand._

_The past few years have been hard for me, every one of them were spent alone. The only people I had were the other members of the Emperor's Coven and those who looked up to me even with all the evil I allowed into their lives. Being idolized for something you don't want to be isn't the same as being loved for who you are. I haven't felt loved since we were young, Edalyn. I miss when we spent our days together without a worry if we have to die alone. After I joined the coven, I never realized how much I needed to feel like I wasn't alone and that someone cared about me for reasons other than being powerful until then. I didn't just want to bring you back to coven to cure you, I wanted us to be sisters again, to have that warm feeling I once had with you and not feel empty all the time. I needed you so much more than I thought I did and more than I ever would. But I knew that it wouldn't be long before you would figure out who cursed you. And knowing you already hate me enough shouldn't make it any better. It pains me to know I was right._

_Bringing me into the owl house was a horrible decision, really. Assuming I could change for the better was as well. Believe me sister, I want to be better. I want to know I'm not the monster our mother named me to be. But I know that this is my birthright. I know that I can't be redeemed. If I could go back and change everything I would do so right now. But I know that even that couldn't erase the guilt of my actions, because I'll die knowing the pain I caused and the hell I put you through._

_Edalyn, I killed myself because I knew that if I had stayed in your life any longer I would only destroy it even more. I killed myself because I couldn't bear the emptiness I felt every day without a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. I killed myself because I knew that the only one I ever had has turned into what I believed to be my worst enemy and only made that emptiness feel colder. But I didn't say a word because I knew I deserved far worse._

_I love you so much Edalyn, even if you hate me as you should. That is why I made this decision. The choice to end my own life was not your fault in any possible way. As I have stated before, this is my decision and no one else's. I couldn't have asked for a more kind and loving sister than what I got. Thank you for everything you did for me, for filling the empty pit I always felt, for not treating me like the monster we both knew I was, and if you would, please forgive me for being so cowardly._

_With deepest regrets, Lilith_

The grey haired woman's eyes glazed over the note several times before putting it back on the table and staring at something in front of her. She had always known her sister had problems, but this was far worse than she could imagine. She kept glancing over to the raven haired woman sitting next to her, thinking if she kept her eye on her, they would make eye contact. Lilith couldn't look into her sister's eyes, knowing they would be filled with rage. 

"Why?" Eda asked her. Lilith didn't respond. The younger woman let out a sigh and buried her face in her hands. "Lilly, please talk to me." Still no response. "Lilith, if you really want me to talk you out of killing yourself, then you've got to tell me what's really going on, a single suicide note won't explain everything." The older woman still wouldn't respond, trying to hold back the sobs, knowing that uttering one word would instantly break her. Dark tears rolled down her face, the mascara staining her pale skin. 

She felt a warm hand against her cheek brush away the tears from her eyes. At that moment she decided to look up at Eda. Instead of seeing rage in her eyes like she expected, she found sadness, sympathy, compassion. She turned to face her little sister ready for any question to be thrown at her.

"May I please see your arm?" Eda asked. Lilith raised an eyebrow. "W-why?" 

"I'm just making sure," Eda answered. Lilith held up her right arm to her sister. Eda rolled up her sister's sleeve to reveal nothing. "Your other arm?" She followed up. Lilith sat there silently for a few seconds. The owl lady repeated, gritting her teeth, "Lilith, show me your other arm." Lilith remembered what she was in the situation for and hesitantly held up her left arm to Eda, who immediately grabbed it and rolled up her sleeve, revealing several dark crimson slits covering her sister's wrist and upper arm. She let out a shaky gasp as her anger turned to fear, then sadness, then back to anger. 

"Lilith…" Eda started out softly. "What the fuck have you been hiding from me!?" She shouted. Lilith seemed to have a much harder time trying to hold back sobs than she was before. Eda took notice of this and stopped shouting at her. "Lilly, if you need to cry, please do. Don't you dare hold anything back." Lilith was hesitant at first, but after a few seconds of silence, more tears fell and she broke into loud sobs. Eda watched with sympathy before scooting closer and holding her sister in her arms. She ran her fingers through the weeping woman's hair and gently kissed her forehead, which seemed to calm her down a bit. "Doesn't that feel amazing?" She asked. The other lady responded, "yes, it feels so much better than I thought."

After she managed to calm down completely, Eda started the questioning. "All right, so tell me, how long has this been going on?" 

"Several years actually, I can't say for sure when I started feeling this way. Might have been sometime after I was promoted to the coven's leader."

"I mean the whole cutting yourself thing."

Lilith looked up, surprised. "I'm not sure if you'd want to hear this."

"No, I do. Tell me now."

Lilith sighed. "Remember during the convention from all those years ago? The one where mother showed up just to smother you and tell me everything wrong with my speech and how much of a disappointment I am?" Eda felt her heart sink knowing exactly what she was about to hear. "Was it something our mom said?" She asked, knowing that it wasn't.

"No," Lilith answered. "Remember when you tried to talk to me about it and we got in an argument? You said something that I know I'll never forget."

Eda's eyes became wider as she heard these words. 

Lilith continued, "I remember very clearly you said-"

"'It's not my fault mom hated you'," Eda finished, becoming teary eyed herself.

Lilith realized what Eda was thinking. "I'm not saying it was your fault! I was just really upset and I don't even know why that one thing you said affected me so much, I guess I just snapped and-"

"Lilly, I understand" the grey haired woman interrupted. "I've seen what mom did and said to you and how badly she broke you. You had every right to be upset!" She paused. "I just didn't think I would be the one to finish you off…" 

The two women were silent. Lilith looked down at her scars, brushing her thumb against them. She wished she hadn't started this conversation or that it didn't have to be like this. She wished that she didn't have to hurt her sister by letting her know these things about her. Eda really wasn't doing well with this information either. She didn't think that this would be the day she would hear the words 'Edalyn, I want to kill myself' fall from the mouth of her only sister who she loved so much.

"Stay right there," Eda ordered, breaking the silence. The younger sibling stood up and walked away into a closet, coming back with some bandages and healing glyphs. "Hold still," she commanded, grabbing her sister's wounded arm and wrapping it in the white fabric. "You know you're not the monster you claim you are, right?" She asked. Lilith didn't respond. "Being the bad guy wasn't your birthright. For some reason mom just wanted to do her best to emotionally destroy you and shape you into the monster she wanted you to believe you were and tell you that everything she put you through is your fault. But believe me when I say it's not. Can't imagine how she should look at the precious angel you were and think something like that. She was a pretty messed up bitch though, that may be it. But you're loved so much more than you might think, Lilly." She finished wrapping the bandages and started pressing glyphs to it. "Why are you lying?" Lilith asked sternly. Eda stopped what she was doing and looked up, narrowing her eyes. "What?" She asked flatly. Lilith angrily retorted, "I'm not an idiot, Eda. Don't think I don't know hate when I see-"

" _ **I NEVER FUCKING HATED YOU!!**_!" Eda snapped, banging her fist on the table and startling Lilith. She let out a sigh and continued, this time her voice lowered, "what would make you think I hate you?"

"Everything?" Lilith responded as if it was a question. "Edalyn, I fucking cursed you, ruined your life and your sanity, put Luz in danger-" 

"Stuff you either did when you were 13, didn't even intend, or were forced to do against your will. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that you fucked up big time and I'm still not ready to forgive you, but if you really want to change for the better, then it's never too late to try. I don't hate you and I never will."

"Why?!" Lilith choked. Eda shouted once more, "BECAUSE YOU'RE MY SISTER AND I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU, DAMMIT!!" 

Lilith sat silently in awe at her sister's words, making sure she heard that right. "What?" She asked softly. Eda scooted closer to her. "I know that this may not sound true, but I need you to hear me loud and clear and know that it really is as genuine as it sounds. Lilly, there is nothing you could do that would make me hate you. You're the only sister I have and I want to make the most of that. I care about you more than I could anything else, and I want you to know that." 

"E-Eda…" Lilly started to tear up at her words when she felt Eda hold her hand and brush a single strand of hair from her face. "I don't care what you hear, or what anyone else tells you, or what you may have believed at first, I don't ever want to hear you say you are anything less than how I see you." Eda had tears streaming down her face as she finished with something that Lilith would never forget. 

"I love you Lilly. I really do." 

There was a moment of silence. Lilith had to process what she just heard. She had been alive for all these years, known her sister for this long, been famous all throughout her adulthood, even dated a decent amount of witches, and it had only just occurred to her that not once in her life before this very moment had anyone said those four words to her. 'I love you Lilly.'

Lilith burst into sobs as Eda pulled her into a warm embrace, kissing her sister's cheek and allowing her to hide her face in her sister's shoulder. The lady with the dark hair wailed not even caring if Luz or King or if anyone else were to walk through that door right at that very moment because she knew now that she was home, with her real family, with people who loved her. 

"I love you too, Eda"

…

Luz walked in the front door the next morning, returning from a slumber party with Willow, Gus and Amity at Willow's place, to find Eda laying down on the couch, struggling to stay awake, with Lilith asleep on top of her. "Eda? What happened here? Is Lilith ok? Why is her arm wrapped in bandages and healing glyphs?" Eda glanced at the human girl, too drained to even move her head. "Luz I'm glad to have you back, but we need a little more time. We're low on elixirs anyway, think you can go grab us some?"

"Eda, what happened here?" Luz asked, concerned.

"Nothing happened, Luz. It's just been a rough night."


End file.
